"Marriage is a contract. To feel love is something else entirely." Broken English, film.
This is for my peers of all ages. It's about my woman friend whose significant other makes her feel unattractive or unintelligent. This is for my woman friend whose pregnancy came before the marriage and she wants to get married to her child's father, not her soul mate. It is never too late to work on your Self and to be all that you can be, no matter how inconvenient in terms of the timeline that is your life.
We are human and too easily seduced. Think I'm talking about cheating? We cheat ourselves when we lie to others. We cheat our children when we lie to ourselves. There are the affairs that one carries on with another person: emotional, or sexual.
And there are the affairs that one carries on with himself. Sometimes people come onto obstacles, personal experiences, that prevent them from being a partner. This produces a kind of affair that one INFLICTS on another: Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. And for this kind of affair, one does not solicit someone outside of the relationship. When it comes to this kind of affair, the sole "beneficiary" is the mate and possibly the mate's dependants.
Abuse is cyclical. One nasty person was likely influenced by another nasty person. One with low self-esteem was likely influenced by another with low self-esteem. These people are super likely to find each other and cohabitate. This is a perfect storm for more abuse.
When we think about violence, we think about hitting, whipping, punching, defending, and the physical scars. This is the stuff we read in the newspaper. This is the stuff that goes to court.
What you don't read about in the newspaper is the emotional abuse. It is so small that sometimes you don't see it or feel it at all. When you're afraid to get caught checking out another person. When your mate says, "you're fat." When you repeatedly speak negatively about your mate or family in front of your child. And that is only the beginning.
I have seen people close to me marry complete monsters. I have seen seemingly successful business people manipulate and use the fragility of their spouses for gains of person and of power. About this, I will not be quiet. It is unjust.
These things yield emotional scars, and are just as dangerous as physical scars. Physical damage heals. It screams, 'I'm here.' Emotions are a dark, turbulent sea that take effect immediately, someday, or never. Emotions are best dealt with on a constant basis, and I can't stress it enough.
Children are sponges. They hear what you don't think they hear. They watch your moves because they look up to you. If you are unhappy in your relationship, what does it communicate to them? The child will be likely to repeat this in his own personal life.
If you need a good role model for your kids, don't look far beyond your own nose. One person can make it. There is no shame in recognizing when your partner is not carrying his weight. It's about not being too proud to ask for help. It's about recognizing your Self, your unique beauty, your goodness. It takes a village to raise a child, as Secretary of State Clinton has astutely recognized. What it doesn't take one unhappy household.
Your children will benefit from a positive male role model. However, do not create an expectation that you will find one in the time you need. In the event that you do find a suitable person to date, it will take time to know that this suitor is fit to father. You sacrifice yourself for your children, and you do it every day. If you settle for less in a mate, you will sacrifice your self AND your children.
This is difficult; it is the most difficult endeavor you will take on: to raise a family and do it well. You have resources - use them. People are pulling for you! I am pulling for you and sending positive energy to you always.
Ladies, dont wait for someone special to come along and treat you like a queen, or tell you that you are one.
You are someone special. You are a queen.
Look at your self in the mirror. Save the criticism. What do you see? Imperfections, weight? Shame on you! Do not look at what can be, look at what is. Look at your eyes: the window to your soul. Are they tired? compassionate? loving? Whatever you see, push past it. See your eyes for the warm, inquisitive things they are.
Feel your heart. It is an electric process that beats no matter what. It is resilient. Be with it.
Now note your breath. Is it shallow? You may forget your breath, because it is automatic. Tame your breath. Catch it. Now control it. Breathe as deeply as you can. Repeat.
"I am a queen." Say these words repeatedly until you feel them at your very core.
You can mother, and you can father. You can love, and you can discipline. Your little kings and queens will love you back. When they are grown, their love for you will warm you and surround you as yours has them.
When you feel weak, remember these simple truths. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are loved.
I hope that you find a king. A man who listens to you. A man who will cook and clean when you are unable to, or need a break. A man who will recognize when you need a break.
As a wise friend infers, you will kiss 99 frogs before you find a prince.
But please know that it's quite alright if you don't. You already have all that you need. You don't need someone to remind you of your unique beauty. For that, you need little more than a mirror or a journal.
xo.
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